{"id":2671910,"date":"2024-07-08T04:00:59","date_gmt":"2024-07-08T10:00:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.outsideonline.com\/?p=2671910"},"modified":"2024-07-08T12:11:21","modified_gmt":"2024-07-08T18:11:21","slug":"friend-borrowed-gear-skis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.outsideonline.com\/culture\/love-humor\/friend-borrowed-gear-skis\/","title":{"rendered":"My Friend Borrowed My Skis and Won\u2019t Give Them Back. What Should I Do?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Welcome to<\/i> Tough Love<\/i><\/a>. We\u2019re answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is<\/i> Blair Braverman<\/i><\/a>, dogsled racer and author of<\/i> Small Game<\/i><\/a> and<\/i> Welcome to\u00a0<\/i><\/a>the Goddamn Ice Cube<\/i><\/a>. Have a question of your own? Write to us at <\/i>toughlove@outsideinc.com<\/i><\/a>.<\/i><\/p>\n

\n

I consider myself pretty easygoing when it comes to lending gear to my friends. I have a lot of niche gear, and I\u2019m happy for other people to be using it when I\u2019m not. It\u2019s not doing any good when it\u2019s sitting in my garage. However, I am encountering a bit of a problem with a close friend who borrowed my nice skis this winter, when I had an injury and couldn\u2019t use them.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

He used them all season, which I was glad for, but after the snow melted, I started trying to get them back. The first time I asked him, he said, \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter right now, because you\u2019re not using them either, right?\u201d When I brought it up again, he said, \u201cJust let me know when you want to use them, and I\u2019ll give them back to you then.\u201d I brought it up a third time, and he said the same thing.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

At this point I feel like I\u2019m nagging him, which I hate doing. I have two questions for you. One: how do I get my darn skis back? And two: <\/b>how<\/strong> do I keep from being in this situation in the future? I\u2019m not a very assertive person and it makes me nervous to even think about confronting him.<\/b><\/p>\n

As a fellow lender\u2014and borrower\u2014of gear, I applaud your generosity and feel your pain. I\u2019m guessing your friend isn\u2019t actually trying to steal your skis. It\u2019s possible that he damaged them in some way and is afraid to tell you, so he\u2019s punting the problem or saving money to replace them. But the most likely truth is the obvious one: he\u2019s a procrastinator who genuinely thinks you don\u2019t need the skis right now, and he doesn\u2019t realize that by sidestepping your request, he\u2019s effectively pushing you around.<\/p>\n

You could solve the problem in about five minutes by being assertive, but I know that advice may not help; if confrontation isn\u2019t in your character, then I might as well advise you to make new skis out of thin air. So let\u2019s take a step back and consider your options, in order from most to least bold.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Say, \u201cCan I have my skis back?\u201d He\u2019ll try to put off returning them. You\u2019ll say, \u201cNo, I want them right now. Please go get them.\u201d<\/li>\n
  2. Say, \u201cCan I have my skis back?\u201d When he tries to put it off, come up with an excuse for why you need them now. Possibilities include: another friend might want to look at them; you\u2019re organizing your garage; you might travel somewhere with snow.<\/li>\n
  3. Actually plan a summer ski trip so that you\u2019re telling the truth about needing your skis back now.<\/li>\n
  4. Take your friend at his word that he\u2019ll return the skis when you need them. Look on the bright side\u2014skis are bulky, and he\u2019s storing them for you.<\/li>\n
  5. Abandon the skis. They\u2019re his now.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Technically, any of these will work, although I think that number four is the most practical. You\u2019ve brought up the skis enough times that he should<\/i> have gotten the hint; clearly he hasn\u2019t, but he hasn\u2019t gone against his word, either.<\/p>\n

    It would be reasonable, in this situation, to be a little slower to lend him gear in the future, or (assuming the skis eventually make their way back to you, as promised) make sure that any future lending comes with a firm, agreed-upon return date. A good friend is more important than a piece of gear, but you\u2019re not betraying your friendship by setting boundaries. You\u2019re protecting it. You\u2019re making sure that you don\u2019t end up with years\u2019 worth of unspoken stress and discomfort that comes to mind whenever you see him.<\/p>\n

    That said, the best thing you can do for your friendship\u2014and more importantly, for yourself\u2014is to work on standing up for yourself. Why is it that you feel so timid about confronting him more directly? Is it because you\u2019re worried about feeling uncomfortable in the moment, or because you\u2019re afraid he\u2019ll like you less in the long term? Do you think his feelings should take precedence over yours? I want to remind you that very few people choose their friends based on who they can push around\u2014and if they do, that\u2019s not someone you want to be friends with anyway. You have a million things to contribute that don\u2019t involve making yourself and your preferences smaller. You also have plenty to contribute that doesn\u2019t involve lending out your gear. Yes, that\u2019s great\u2014but even if you had nothing to lend, your friends would like you anyway.<\/p>\n

    Building that kind of confidence is a long journey, and not something that can be fixed over a pair of borrowed skis, but maybe this situation can be a chance for you to practice the kind of forthrightness that challenges you. In fact, I suspect it already has been. You brought up the skis with your friend three times, which probably wasn\u2019t easy for you. I know it\u2019s frustrating that your request didn\u2019t work, at least not immediately. But you successfully asserted yourself, and your friend offered a plan for when he\u2019s returning the skis. Is it perfect? Not yet. But it\u2019s a glide in the right direction.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    I\u2019ve asked him to return my skis three times, and I feel like I\u2019m nagging him<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":124363,"featured_media":2672863,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"uuid":"20cc7d295aef900c99bfd4f1beb1aa78","footnotes":""},"categories":[2578],"tags":[7517,6679],"byline":[1678],"ad_cat":[],"legacy-category":[],"class_list":["post-2671910","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-humor","tag-backcountry-gear","tag-friendship","byline-blair-braverman"],"acf":[],"parsely":{"version":"1.1.0","meta":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","headline":"My Friend Borrowed My Skis and Won\u2019t Give Them Back. What Should I Do?","url":"https:\/\/www.outsideonline.com\/culture\/love-humor\/friend-borrowed-gear-skis\/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.outsideonline.com\/culture\/love-humor\/friend-borrowed-gear-skis\/"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/cdn.outsideonline.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/GettyImages-735884027-150x150.jpg","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https:\/\/cdn.outsideonline.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/GettyImages-735884027-scaled.jpg"},"articleSection":"Love & Humor","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"irosario"}],"creator":["irosario"],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"ºÚÁϳԹÏÍø Online","logo":"https:\/\/www.outsideonline.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/favicon-194x194-1.png"},"keywords":["backcountry gear","friendship"],"dateCreated":"2024-07-08T10:00:59Z","datePublished":"2024-07-08T10:00:59Z","dateModified":"2024-07-08T18:11:21Z"},"rendered":"