Halloween is almost here, and you’re feeling uninspired.You’ve been a cat, a witch, a devil, whatever your girlfriend wanted you to be in her couples-costume scheme.But this year—this year will be different. At least, it was going to be different. Except now it’s the week before Halloween, and you’ve still got nothing.
Lucky for you, we came up with some wacky outdoor-themed getups that possiblyonly readers of this magazine will understand. It’s the list you didn’t ask forbut the list you all deserve. (Just be ready for questions from the non-outdoorsy folks in your life.)
Holly, the Fattest Fat Bear
Our queen, our inspiration, our body-positive icon. Halloween-goers who want to dress up as the reigning champ of KatmaiNational Park, the main hub for bears during Alaska’s legendary Fat Bear Week, can do so in two ways: take off all your clothes and hunt for salmon in the nearest river or, like, grab bear ears from Party City.
Do It Yourself
- Buy some.
- Grab a.
- Pop on a crown.
- Gather a (or five) to stuff under your sweatshirt.
- Be willing to explain Fat Bear Week to the layperson.
- Bonus points: carry lox around all night.
Blair Braverman and Her Sled Dogs
ϳԹ readers will know Braverman as our resident Iditarod expert and Tough Love columnist.But real fans recognize her as and the goddess of all things good and dog.
Do It Yourself
- Wear and have a positive attitude.
- Gather as many dogs as you canand also a winter sled (those in regions withoutsnowcan sub in a wagon or a skateboard), andhave them pull you around to the best of their abilities.
- Only have one dog? Rename it or for thenight.
- No dogs at all? Just give out love advice and insert quips about the Iditarod.
Literally Just Vaporflys
In borderline-ridiculous news, both the men’s and the women’s marathon world-record times were absolutelydestroyed in mid-October—Eliud Kipchoge set the fastest (unofficial) marathon record known to man (1:59:40), and Brigid Kosgei beat the women’s record by over a minute (Kosgei’stime: 2:14:04). But the real star of the show was on their feet: Nike’s Vaporfly, which we encourage you to makeinto a costume. They’re thick. They’re mysterious. Athletes who can’t run a consistent four-and-a-half-minutepace for 26.2 milessay they’re unfair. We say: if you can’t beat ’em, be ’em.
Do It Yourself
- Donhead-to-toe . Draw a Nike swooshon yourself.
- Sprint away at random points throughout the night.
- Be $250.
Alex Honnold at the Oscars
Honnold at the Oscars was the good in this evil world. He wore a custom tux from the North Face. His hair was mussed. His hands were hishands. He had his trusty green spatula. We love Alex. We loved him first. Now he’s famous. We’re happy for him. We are.
Do It Yourself
- Get a (or from Walmart).
- Secure your Oscar. A childhood soccer participation trophy will do.
- Buy Honnold’s spatula. ()
- .
- Don’t even think about bringing ropes.
#Vanlife Influencer
“I just really want to inspire people through my Instagram, you know? It’s just, like, so much better to live off the grid. You’re literally living in nature. Last night we did yoga on the top of our van at sunrise in Joshua Tree—you know Joshua Tree, right?—and I was just like, ‘Wow, if everyone would just detach themselves from the corporate rat race, I’m pretty sure there would be no more war.’Sorry, what was the question?”
Do It Yourself
- Grab a. (Carry it everywhere.)
- Women: flaunt your long hair or dona wig.
- Men: if you have long facial hair, great; if not, offset this with a man bun (not optional).
- Both: wear a .
- Slip on a pair of. (Add socks if it feels likewinter.)
- Make your own Instagram filters,using and a , because analog is cool.
- Stand on top of every car you see, and ask someone to take a picture of you looking off into the distance.
Obscure Mount Everest Record Holder
You’re the first woman from Boston or first dentist or first left-handed Australian to climb the world’s tallest peak!You hold a record so obscure that no one else even has the desire to break it. You are an individual.
Do It Yourself
- Be you—but with all of your winter gear on.
- Cultivate aglacier-glasses sunburn.
- Make a summit sign declaring your obscure record.
Lazy Parasite
As you may know, our most controversial 2019 momenthere at ϳԹ was when we published the opinion piece“Trail Runners Are Lazy Parasites.” But maybe we’re at the point where we can laugh about it? Don’t hurt me.
Do It Yourself
- Dress like an ϳԹ employee volunteering for local trail-maintenance groups to make up for our writer’s sins,because this one’s our bad, and trail runners are actually great.