The celebrity trial of the century, this was not.
On Thursday March 14, a district judge in Wyoming named Stephanie A. Hambrick of Irish movie star Pierce Brosnan—yes, he of James Bond fame. Brosnan, 70, was accused of breaking sacrosanct rules of decorum in Yellowstone National Park during his visit there on November 1. The Park Service said that Brosnan while visiting the Mammoth Terraces hot springs and then snapped a selfie in front of the natural wonder—despite the presence of signs saying to stay on the trail. The authorities found out about the offense because, of course, Brosnan uploaded a cool mid-crime photo to Instagram. Yes, according to the National Park Service, 007 himself acted like a bonafide .
The trial was short and sweet. Brosnan called in to the procedures by phone. After initially challenging the accusation, he pled guilty to one charge: walking in a restricted thermal area. The court dismissed the second charge: violating closures and use limits. Judge Hambrick ordered Brosnan to pay a $500 fine and make a $1,000 donation to Yellowstone Forever, a nonprofit group that works with the park. Case closed.
Brosnan apologized, releasing the following statement on social media: “As an environmentalist, I have the utmost respect for and love of our natural world. I deeply regret my transgression and offer my heartfelt apologies to all for trespassing in this sensitive area.”
The hammer of justice was swift. But was it just?
I pondered the question all weekend, and I still cannot decide. As you may know, acting like a dimwit seems to be the God-given right of every visitor to America’s oldest national park these days. Every week, another video surfaces of a tourist attempting to or or . By my estimation, Yellowstone idiocy represents one of the biggest threats to our country’s national security. . Even the .
Brosnan’s offense is minor when compared to what goes on at Yellowstone on a typical Wednesday in July. I scanned his Instagram page and saw zero images of him attempting to ride the megafauna. So, perhaps $1,500 and some humiliation in the press is punishment enough.
But Brosnan is a wealthy celeb, of course. Some members of society (hand raised) may feel the desire to make a public example out of him, to dissuade the throngs of would-be rule breakers from skipping off Yellowstone’s designated pathways to trample sensitive habitats. By our logic, a $1500 fine is a pretty meager punishment. Heck, that’s probably the value of the pink wingtips that match the suit he’s wearing in the above photo.
So, what is an appropriate sanction for the crime of walking off-trail at Yellowstone to check out Mammoth Terraces? If you’re Pierce Brosnan, then perhaps the following punishments are appropriate:
Penalty by Singing
Pierce Brosnan is no Marvin Gaye—. Fans of the 2008 film adaptation of Mamma Mia may remember the auditory nightmare of him belting out a tunes. For anyone who requires proof, I have included the link below. Be forewarned: you may want to move Fido to an adjacent room, because Pierce can’t hit the high, low, or medium notes.
As punishment, the court asks Mr. Brosnan to belt out the musical’s hit song into the phone. A team of songwriters will analyze his performance, and asses $1,000 in damages for every blown note, forgotten lyric, or voice crackle.
GoldenEye Slap Fight
The court requires Mr. Brosnan to beat the Nintendo 64 game GoldenEye while . This ordeal may take weeks or months for Mr. Brosnan to complete.
Forced Ice Removal
Plowing the every spring is a major undertaking that requires dozens of staffers, heavy equipment, and long hours. Brosnan knows a thing or two about breaking ice, and in the curiously goofy 2002 James Bond chapter Die Another Day he fights a whole cadre of bad guys in silly frozen palace, and manages to completely destroy the whole thing. As punishment, the court requires Mr. Brosnan to report to Mammoth Hot Springs on April 1 with a shovel and an ice scraper and to start chipping away at the Grand Loop Road.
A Run-by Fruiting
This one is pretty self explanatory.
Late Addition: The Reverse-Selfie Heist
Hooboy do I love the finale of The Thomas Crown Affair, and I will argue its perfection with any cinephile. For those unfortunate readers who are unfamiliar: wealthy playboy and art thief Thomas Crown must sneak into the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art and replace a priceless Monet that he had previously stolen. There are twists, turns, double-fake-outs, and lots of Pierce Brosnan.
The court demands that Mr. Brosnan somehow sneak past Yellowstone security into the Mammoth Terraces WITHOUT GOING OFF TRAIL and then un-take his illegal selfie.
The Punishment Is Not Enough
Rotten Tomatoes maintains an updated ranking of all 27 films in the James Bond oeuvre, and it lists the godawful 2002 chapter The World Is Not Enough as No. 24. In my opinion, this is way too high for a nonsensical movie with with massive plot holes, abysmal dialogue, and bad acting. Sorry, Pierce, not your best work. But perhaps it’s the focal point of a truly appropriate punishment for violating rules at Yellowstone.
The court demands that Mr. Brosnan watch all 128 minutes of The World Is Not Enough. The court recognizes that this punishment may be deemed to be cruel and unusual.