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The 1997 ���ϳԹ��� Prognosticator

Featuring Picabo Street, Carl Lewis, Nostradamus,
Bigfoot, and our very own Psychic Friends!
By Ned Zeman

Tricky thing, the future. just when think you’ve got it nailed, it starts changing again, like hemlines or tectonic plates. Why? Because we, at least a few of us, are not visionaries. We see but we do not see.

Luckily, some do, and they can usually be found on late-night television on UHF channel 67. So as the new calendar blooms, ���ϳԹ��� has convened a crackerjack team of psychic prognosticators from around the globe and the dial, and focused their prescience for our own selfish ends. All but one of these clairvoyants have graced our pages in past years, which should be comforting
news for everyone–well, except for Newt Gingrich, Kevin Costner, and as usual, jumpy seismologists. Let’s meet the seers!

Swein MacDonald
Florida will suffer many plagues…
Last year was a mixed bag for the psychic shepherd from Kincardine Hill, Scotland. He incorrectly foresaw a major Alaskan oil spill and an American taking the yellow jersey in the Tour de France–not to mention a number of our countrymen perishing in the jaws of crocodiles. Then again, he did almost correctly
predict that Chinese athletes would be caught using performance-enhancing drugs in the ’96 Olympics. So he’s got that going for him. MacDonald’s forecast for 1997:

On America’s prospects in the Tour de France: “Minor details, my missing it last year. I meant this year.”

On the outdoor lifestyle accessory most in demand this year: “Hot-air balloons. This is the year of the balloon.”

On how Newt Gingrich will treat the environment: “Not well, I’m afraid. I don’t think he loves the environment, and it does not love him. Nature has a way of showing its hatred.”

On the weather: “It could be an extra-violent year. Florida will have it very bad. There will be a tidal wave in Florida the likes of which we have never seen. And earthquakes–there will be many earthquakes in Florida. One will be an earthquake the likes of which we have never seen. This will shake the country. I mean, a real whopper!”

On the fun and adventure of safariing: “Hmmm…I’m getting…lions. The lions will make their presence felt. They’ll be eating people all over, one by one.”

Delores Cannon
…the Earth will run red with blood…
When last we met the 65-year-old from Huntsville, Arkansas, she was busy translating the prophecies of Nostradamus, the very famous, very dead astrologer of sixteenth-century fame. She still is. Cannon, who stresses that she is not a psychic–“I’m a hypnotherapist, you know”–says Nos- tradamus makes only
broad, sweeping prognostications, befitting his celestial stature. “Basically,” she explains, “he can’t tell you about Michael Jackson.” The skinny from the Big N:

On the possibility that World War III will erupt by the holiday season: “Bill Clinton sent the troops into Bosnia. It will get worse. The prophecy has not been completed. It will be very bad, though. By the end of the century.”

On whether another tragedy will mar Mount Everest: “Anyone who goes up there–they’ll be cold. It’ll be a cold climb.”

On the likelihood that a massive hurricane will decimate Florida, as she predicted last year: “Yes, this is the year. It will be the worst ever recorded, this hurricane. It will hit NASA in…the place has a name…Cape Canaveral. Yes, that’s it. NASA. Don’t go there.”

On those earthquakes: “Quakes will appear where they’ve never appeared before. They’ll be in the United States–that’s for sure, and they’ll be mighty. The soil will run red with blood.”

On the possibility that anything at all significant will happen in Canada: “I don’t get anything from Canada. Nostradamus isn’t getting anything on Canada.”

Annette Martin
…a man named Kiraly shall lead us…
A syndicated radio psychic from Campbell, California, Martin is making her first appearance on Team Tea Leaf. Her show, Your Psychic World, is heard on as many as five radio stations across the nation. When not on the airwaves, Martin operates the Annette Martin Institute of Intuitive Research, which endeavors to blend the psychic and the scientific.

On whether Bigfoot will make his debut on national television: “We’ll see more of him. There will be more sightings. They’re authentic, you know. Let’s go out and look for him.”

On whether nature will smite Newt Gingrich: “I’m seeing a lot of red around Newt. Red is the color of anger.”

On the odds that Karch Kiraly will leave volleyball for Republican Party politics: “He’ll flirt with politics, I think. He’ll succeed there. But volleyball is his true love. You never forget your first love.”

On the best places to be if you’re an outdoorsy type: “Switzerland seems nice; Lake Tahoe does not. I’m getting real strong activity in–let’s see–Las Vegas. I see unbelievable things there. I’m even seeing a Disneyland, and it’s beautiful.”

On those earthquakes: “And I’m feeling earthquakes. I’m feeling the worst will be in Baja California. Maybe up to San Diego. Prepare for the worst. Oh, and we’re going to have a killer volcano. Yes, I’m feeling that the United States is going to see a lot of wild activity. Winds and storms, things like that.”

On Picabo Street’s downhill prospects: “She is going to do quite well, but there could be an accident. I see her…falling.”

Gabrielle
…and that’s not even mentioning the killer fish
Think of the indefatigable Floridian–top seer at the La Toya Jackson Psychic Network–as this year’s psychic headliner, thanks to her eerily accurate performance last year. Gabrielle is the prophet who predicted the Everest tragedy (with only the slightest prodding from our staff). “I predicted it,” she says, “because that’s what I do.” Indeed. And so it’s with a certain swagger
that the Gabster wades into 1997.

On UFOs landing somewhere in the vicinity of Detroit: “Very likely, I’d say. I’m sure we’ll be seeing them more and more, particularly in the Midwest, with its wide-open spaces and people. Aliens can sense good people–people who will embrace them.”

On Carl Lewis’s fortunes: “He’s going through a lot of obstacles, a lot of spiritual changes. He’s not there yet. He needs to start focusing. But I see him in the movies and perhaps anchoring some sports show where you can see him every night.”

On the environment: “It will be a good year. No big disasters. It’s going to be a year of cleaning up. We’ll see people getting more involved. They’ll look around at the flowers and say, ‘Hey, let’s make it beautiful.'”

On the political future of our second-term president, Bill Clinton: “I’ll tell you one thing: This will definitely be his last term as president.”

On the coming Year of the Balloon: “Kevin Costner needs to be very careful. I see something bad happening to his hot-air balloon. If there’s one thing I can say, it’s that movie stars should stay out of balloons.”

On–yep–those earthquakes: “Oh, and I’m getting earthquakes, on the West Coast and in Japan. I predict an eight [on the Richter scale]. I see a lot of rumbling.”

On the simmering issue of wildlife revenge: “Whales, dolphins, even sharks. The fish…they know what’s happening to them…they’re going to start fighting back. Yes, there’s going to be a lot of fish violence.”

Ned Zeman is a writer based in Los Angeles, site of the coming apocalypse.

Copyright 1997, ���ϳԹ��� magazine