At a last night, the January 6th committee prompted a dramatic audience reaction when they played video of (R-Missouri) fleeing insurrectionists.
As a running coach, I had a similarly visceral reaction. His form! His apparel! His complete and utter lack of regard for democratic norms!
Let’s break it down.
Whether you’re on a jog around the neighborhood or fleeing the violent mobs whose fury you stoked for your own political gain, you’ll want to make sure you have a good forward lean. A keen eye will notice Sen. Hawley’s torso is straighter than Mike Pence’s freshly cleared search history. Runners will often struggle with a forward lean because they haven’t developed enough core stability. However, in Hawley’s case, it may be due to the absence of any spine. I’d recommend some lower core work and/or the adherence to any core values whatsoever.
Another thing that’s immediately apparent on Senator Hawley is his footstrike. Hawley’s foot is landing on his heel, well in front of his knee, what we call “overstriding.” Overstriding can be caused by weak glutes, which is surprising in someone whose worldview is complete ass.
https://twitter.com/BeastQuake/status/1550318173383057408
In videos of Hawley fleeing down the escalator, you’ll notice that he’s significantly shortened his stride to allow for smaller, shorter steps. This is actually great form for efficiency and injury prevention! A clear indicator of someone who’s been practicing their footwork by dancing around any form of accountability.
Recommended adjustment: think about incorporating strides and speedwork into your routine, senator, along with not intentionally stoking a violent insurrection that requires you to escape at VO2 max without any warm-up routine.
Then, there’s his gear. A suit from Brooks Brothers’ We’re Totally Getting Away With It Collection hardly allows for the range of motion required when desperately fleeing the consequences of your own actions. I’d recommend a good pair of split shorts to allow for proper knee drive. A more technical, sweat-wicking fabric will come in handy next time you need to escape a horde of heavily armed militia members whose paranoia you’ve stoked for years. Merino wool is perfect for your sheep-like devotion to a minoritarian movement (plus, it’s naturally odor-blocking!).
Lastly, let’s talk footwear. Leather wingtips are perfect for trolling climate activists from your summer home on Martha’s Vineyard, but less effective for escaping the 4chan mob when they come knocking at your office. If you need to make a break for it down a marble hallway, I’d recommend a shoe with a rubber sole and more breathability.
For sure, it’s a bad look to be fleeing an insurrection that you caused. But if you’re going to do it, at least have the proper form and equipment on your side. The only fate worse than jail time for treason is plantar fasciitis.