Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
Any advice for how to quell anxiety about one of my boyfriend鈥檚 main climbing partners being another woman? They recently went on a weeklong trip together, and when I asked if anything had happened between them, he said no, but I can鈥檛 help but feel threatened by them spending so much time together. Am I the one with the problem here?
You do have a problem. You have a boyfriend who鈥檚 taken things too far. And I don鈥檛 necessarily mean in his friendship with his climbing partner; I mean in the choices he鈥檚 made surrounding that friendship, and the fact that he鈥檚 left the burden on you to confront him with the obvious.
A few years ago, I dated a man who was jealous. If I talked to my longtime guy friends on the phone, he鈥檇 bristle; if I ran into a male colleague at lunch, he鈥檇 demand a full recap. He never quite seemed to trust me. And a funny thing happened: I got jealous too. Jealous, in particular, of his ex-girlfriend, with whom I had no connection and who I had no conscious reason to suspect.
Okay, I thought, apparently I鈥檓 a jealous person, and it鈥檚 good to know that, and I should work on it.
Anyway, it turned out that my guy had been in secret near-daily contact with his ex for the entirety of our two-year relationship, to the point of meeting up for lunch and lying to me about where he鈥檇 gone.
鈥淒id you kiss her?鈥 I asked, when I found out.
He was insulted. Of course he didn鈥檛 kiss her.聽How could I accuse him of such a thing?
But I didn鈥檛 care, at that point, if he鈥檇 kissed her; that was just details. I cared that he鈥檇 been lying to me. I cared that from then on, believing him would be a conscious decision that I鈥檇 have to find the strength to make every day.
Later, when I fell in love with Q, I waited for my jealousy to come back. He visited a female friend鈥攁 beautiful, brilliant artist鈥攁nd I probed my feelings carefully. I imagined them at some caf茅, laughing together over a joke I鈥檇 never hear. Talking late into the night until someone fell asleep on the couch, the last log in the fireplace still glowing orange. I should be sweating, shouldn鈥檛 I? But all I felt was happy for him. I鈥檝e since had the honor of getting to know that friend, and although she is indeed beautiful and brilliant, it鈥檚 clear that any romantic tension between her and Q is, well, nonexistent.
The point is, you know more than you know you know. And if something feels wrong, it probably is, especially if you鈥檙e not otherwise prone to drama.
Regardless of whether your boyfriend hooked up with his climbing partner, or hoped to hook up with his climbing partner, or is, like, totally repulsed at the thought of hooking up with his climbing partner, he should have sat down and talked to you about possible worries long before he packed his bags, let alone agreed to the trip. A weeklong jaunt with an opposite-sex friend is more than enough to warrant a thoughtful conversation ahead of time. Pretending otherwise is faux naivete.
Are your boyfriend and his climbing partner actually crushing on each other or just oblivious? Your biggest clue is to determine how welcome you are in their friendship. If they can鈥檛 wait to bring you with them next weekend to check out the cool routes they discovered, then you鈥檙e probably in the clear. But if you suggest inviting her to dinner and your boyfriend hesitates, then you should renew your Netflix, alert your best friends, and start planning the forget-him girls鈥 trip of your dreams.
My girlfriend bought me a gift certificate for a kayak rental. Nothing sounds more miserable to me than being sprayed by water. I鈥m afraid my displeasure will be obvious and I鈥ll ruin a fun date. Should I suggest something different or grin and bear it?
Now for the big question: Have you been kayaking before? If you鈥檝e gone more than three times, tried wearing a drysuit, and still hate it, then you have the leverage to gently suggest an alternate date. If you haven鈥檛, give your girlfriend some credit for knowing what she鈥檚 getting you into. Wait for a hot day, put on some sunscreen, and stop being a baby so you can embrace some actual fun.