Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsideim.com.
I have a good friend who I鈥檒l call Julia. She is anal about sharing, to the point where things become stressful. Last week we went for a walk聽and then for ice cream, which she paid for up front (there was a long line, and it was quicker to buy the ice cream as a single purchase). I paid her back immediately once we were out of the line, but I didn鈥檛 have the right change and was 25 cents short. When she dropped me at home, she brought up the money, suggesting that I could go inside, get a quarter, and bring it back out to her 鈥渟o we can be even.鈥 She has borrowed things from me many times, and I am always happy to share. But recently, I borrowed an umbrella from her, and when I returned it the next day, she opened it and inspected it completely before putting it back in the closet. It makes me feel like she doesn鈥檛 trust me,聽and that she is keeping score about what we 鈥渙we鈥 each other, or like she is waiting for me to mess up and 鈥渙we鈥 her. She has a steady job and no kids, so it鈥檚 not a matter of being low on money. It comes across as greedy, but I don鈥檛 know how to say anything, and it makes me want to pull away from the friendship.聽
To me, Julia鈥檚 actions sound less like a symptom of greed and more like a symptom of anxiety. In other words, it鈥檚 not about you or whether she trusts you鈥攊t鈥檚 about her own racing thoughts聽and what she needs to do to be able to relax. You can鈥檛 argue with brain chemistry, but you can be there for her if she鈥檚 struggling, and you can take steps to avoid situations that seem to stress her out. First off, though, you should reach out and let her know that you care: 鈥淎re you all right? Is there something I can help with? You seem anxious lately.鈥 It might be a relief for her to talk about it, but even if she doesn鈥檛, she鈥檒l know that you鈥檙e someone who鈥檚 open to talking about mental health鈥攐r other problems鈥攊f she ever wants to.聽
Of course, it鈥檚 very possible that her anxiety is rooted in practical matters: Maybe she鈥檚 having financial problems聽or has had them in the past and learned to be careful. Or maybe she just doesn鈥檛 like sharing. Every friendship has its own microculture, and it鈥檚 OK聽to shape this one in a way that works for both of you. In other words, you can still hang out just as much, but always get separate checks. Don鈥檛 ask to borrow things, and don鈥檛 expect her to offer. Instead, focus on the activities that work well for both of you, and plan to divide expenses precisely. Julia鈥檚 dealing with a lot more worry than you are, and the best thing you can do is not take it personally.聽
I鈥檝e been dating a guy for about six months, and things are going well, but he doesn鈥檛 acknowledge bodily functions. We stayed at a cabin, and he kept having to go to the bathroom but pretended that nothing was happening聽and acted like it was totally normal to disappear into the bathroom every 20 minutes. We were playing cards, and I had to act like I didn鈥檛 notice, even though it was very clear that he was not feeling well, which made things way more awkward. I don鈥檛 need him to explain the state of his bowels in detail, but how do I let him know that it鈥檚 OK聽that people poop? It鈥檚 not some big mystery, and it makes things more embarrassing and uncomfortable when we鈥檙e both pretending like nothing is wrong.
This poor guy. One of the only things worse than feeling sick is feeling sick around people while pretending it鈥檚 not happening. And here he is in a cabin in the woods, trying to come across as charming and competent and sexy, all the ways that we want to be our best selves when we鈥檙e around someone we really like. The best thing to do in that kind of situation is model the feeling that you鈥檙e trying to instill in him鈥攖hat bodies aren鈥檛 a big deal, that they鈥檙e sometimes out of our control, and that that鈥檚 nothing to be ashamed of鈥攚hile also giving him the privacy to maintain his dignity. A simple 鈥淗ey, are you feeling all right? Want me to make you some tea?鈥 will communicate that you care but also don鈥檛 care, which can be exactly what we need from our loved ones when our bodies have minds of their own.