Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, were answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
A positive pregnancy test for my partner couldnt positively be the end of our outdoor ambitions, could it? It wasnt planned, but we couldnt be more excited and in love. Plus, considering that it was our mutual passion for adventure that brought us together, I thought it was a given that a kid wouldnt slow us down that much. I know there will be sacrifices, and Im more than happy to make them, but she doesnt seem to share my positive outlook. How do I talk to her about this without coming off as insensitive or naive?
Right now, your partners body is infested with a parasite that is sucking up her nutrients and squashing her organs. Yes, pregnancy is a beautiful, sacred process that usually results in a tiny human. Yes, you are a witness to the miracle of mammalian life. But pregnancy is also, under the best of circumstances, uncomfortable. Every second of every day, your partner is feeling an alien grow inside her body, a body that has heretofore been hers alone. Its overwhelming. It can be terrifying, especially when unplanned. And while its wonderful that youre with her and that you love each other, that love can never change the fact that the physical experience of growing a baby is intimately hersand hers alone.
Imagine you were in a car crash, and youre lying in the hospital bed with casts on your arms and legs. Lights flash and machines hum. Your family stands around you, and youre grateful for their presence but also feeling helpless and self-conscious. The doctors say youll probably recover fully, but they wont know for sure until they see how your bones heal. Everything hurts. The room spins as if you had just stepped off a tilt-a-whirl. Then your partners face appears above you. She smiles. She kisses your cheek. Honey, she whispers anxiously, youll still come hiking with me, right? Right?
Of course, odds are that once youre out of the hospital, youll still love hiking. But, Jesus, babe! One thing at a time!
The point is that your partner is undergoing an intense physical process, and its likely that the last thing she wants to think about right now is outdoor adventure. That doesnt mean your adventures are over, and it doesnt mean the values and joys that brought you together will fundamentally change. It just means that now is not the time for you to pressure her for reassurance. Massage her feet. Read books about pregnancy and parenting. Go to her prenatal checkups. Take on extra chores. Tell her every day how beautiful she is, how strong she is, and how lucky you are to be with her. Trust that your shared passion for the outdoors will not disappear, even if its not always at the surface of your everyday life.
The time will come, down the line, to talk about outdoor adventures. But in the meantime, the best way to prepare for those future adventures is to show your partner that you are behind her 100 percent. Soonsooner than you realizeyoull have the chance to share the outdoors with a whole new human, someone curious and brave and strong-minded who will bring a whole new perspective to even the smallest moments. Soon youll be embarking on adventures together that you can hardly imagine, whether youre feeding ducks or summiting mountains. Congratulations, Dad, and godspeed. Youre going to have the ride of your life.