Welcome to Tough Love. We’re answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsideinc.com.
For a few years now, my husband has been wanting to do this epic mountain bike race that’s a few hours away from us. He has almost no mountain biking experience, but this year he decided he was going to do it, and is spending all his free time training, he bought a new bike, and so on.
The thing is, and ’m being completely honest here, I’ve seen the people who finish this race. I’ve known my husband for ten years and I’ll just say he has almost nothing in common with them. No matter how much he expects to finish, it’s clearly not going to happen.
He keeps saying things like “After I finish the _____,” and I feel like ’m supposed to go along with his delusion by agreeing. Instead, I try to say things like, “Well, if you finish it,” to try to get him in a realistic frame of mind, but then he gets hurt and sullen. I just want him to have realistic expectations so that he’s not disappointed, and I don’t want to have to feel like ’m going along with a lie. How do I get him to understand that ’m not being unsupportive, ’m just being honest?
This seems like a strange thing for you to be upset about. You haven’t shared any concrete reason why you don’t think your husband will finish the race, and it sounds like he’s training seriously, so he’s certainly putting in the effort. If ’m being honest, it seems like you’re more interested in being right—even if it hurts him in the process—than you are in being a loving, supportive partner while your husband pursues a personal goal that’s bringing him a lot of joy and motivation.
It sounds like this race is a major force for good in your husband’s life. He’s working toward a big dream, something he’s thought about for years. He’s getting in shape. Challenging himself, feeling excited and hopeful. Reaching the starting line alone is a major achievement. Why would you want to diminish that for him? It seems like you’re using “realism” as an excuse to try to make him feel smaller, when really you should be his biggest cheerleader.
Here’s the thing about adventure races: nobody knows if they’re going to finish them, and participating is an achievement either way. A massive storm could hit, and everyone could get stuck in mud or hail. Last year’s champion could drop out with an injury at mile 3. I’ve finished races that I was sure I wouldn’t complete, and struggled in events that I thought were in the bag. Yes, some people are better prepared than others, or have been doing their sport for longer. But every veteran started somewhere, and every rookie—regardless of when or if they cross that finish line—is going to come out of the race with way more knowledge and experience than they had when they started.
Consider it this way: when your husband enters the race, there are two probable outcomes. Either he drops out or he finishes. Both are accomplishments. And whichever one happens, what he’s going to remember—from you—is that you didn’t believe in him. Worse, he might even feel ashamed for DNFing, or push on longer than it’s safe for him to do so, because he doesn’t want to hear you say “I told you so.”
Are there times when you should tell your partner that their plans are unrealistic? Absolutely. If they plan to pay their credit card bills by going to the casino—yeah, you want to step in (or step out, as the case may be). That is, if their plans—and/or their plans’ lack of realism—are going to hurt them or other people. But your husband isn’t planning to, say, go base jumping with no coach or experience. He’ll be on the ground. He’s been training. There will be support crews, volunteers, and probably medics on-site. In fact, an organized race is probably the safest way for him to cover the sort of distance he’s aiming for.
My recommendation? Apologize for the negativity you’ve been showing, without drawing too much attention to it. For instance, next time he trains or brings up the race, say something positive—“It’s really amazing to see how much work you’ve put into this. You’ve come so far!”—and add a small caveat to cover your negativity: “’m sorry that I haven’t always had the most supportive attitude about the race. It’s new to me, too, and it took me a while to wrap my head around it. ’m incredibly proud of you and I can’t wait to cheer you on.”
Then, don’t say anything negative at all. Nothing about finishing or not. Just ask how you can help—and then follow through. And when you notice negative thoughts in your own head, try to dismiss or correct them rather than fixating on them. Remember that these kinds of thoughts aren’t particularly helpful for you, either.
On the day before the race, you could say one very gentle thing to let him know that you think he’s amazing regardless of the outcome. Something like, “You’ve come so far, and I want you to know that whatever happens in the race, I couldn’t be prouder. You’ve made this goal happen and it’s incredible.”
Then make some cool signs, and cheer him on by the side of the trail. He might feel discouraged if he doesn’t finish, but he shouldn’t be getting that message from you. Celebrate him—with equal enthusiasm—however his race ends. Go out for his favorite dinner, draw him a hot bath, and help him feel like the rockstar he is.