Welcome to听Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is听Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideim.com.
I鈥檓 planning a long backpacking trip for this summer (around 300 miles). It鈥檚 my first solo trip of that length and I have been planning it for about a year. I also started dating a guy this spring and so far everything has been great. I thought he was supportive of my trip, but he broke down the other day and told me that he鈥檚 uncomfortable with it. He says it鈥檚 hard for him to watch because he鈥檚 never done a trip like that himself, and it makes him feel like, as his girlfriend, I鈥檓 trying to 鈥渙ne-up鈥 him. I feel grateful he told me, but I鈥檓 not sure what to do because I can also feel his tension now while I鈥檓 planning. He knows that what he feels isn鈥檛 right, and he says it鈥檚 good practice for him to work through it, but I鈥檓 not sure how to support him and myself at the same time.
There鈥檚 a lot that could be said about the pressures of masculinity, the weight that those expectations put on men, and the constant work of negotiating and unlearning sexism. But acknowledging those pressures doesn鈥檛 mean your boyfriend is fighting them. In fact, simply acknowledging problems can be a way of trying to get credit without taking hard steps to fix them. And even if he鈥檚 trying to change, which I鈥檓 not convinced of, you don鈥檛 have to support him through that journey at the same time as he鈥檚 undermining yours. After a few months, people are generally still on their best behavior鈥攚hich means I鈥檇 hate to see this guy鈥檚 worst. Break up now and you鈥檒l have a whole lot less psychic weight to carry in your pack.
My friend posts everything on social media, seriously everything. Whatever we do, she posts pictures of it, and if something doesn鈥檛 go right or she has an argument with her boyfriend, she posts vague passive-aggressive updates to get people to ask what鈥檚 wrong. She is also regularly getting into online feuds and tells me all about them. I have asked her clearly not to post about me when we do things together, because I am a more private person and I would prefer if she didn鈥檛, but she still does about half the time. I confronted her and she said, 鈥淚f you don鈥檛 like it, tell me and I鈥檒l take it down,鈥 but I don鈥檛 want to have to do that after things have already been up. She has said before that if someone has nothing to hide, then they shouldn鈥檛 mind being posted about, and if someone wrongs her then they deserve to be shamed. I love her but find myself pulling back from her because I feel like everything she does is for show.
At this point in the evolution of the Internet, it鈥檚 basic etiquette when posting things on social media听to ask permission from the other people involved. Posting a photo of your friend? Run it by her and make sure she feels good about it. Tagging other people at a private location? Check to see if they have any objections. People鈥檚听comfort levels vary a lot, and when it comes to broadcasting information about them to the world, it鈥檚 polite to avoid听assumptions. Plus, not everyone鈥檚 preferences are intuitive. For instance, as someone with a larger audience on Twitter, I tend to post updates with a slight delay, because I鈥檓 not comfortable with people knowing my location in real time (especially when I鈥檓 out in the woods). The need for those boundaries is aggravated with a more public account, but I tend to think that with the internet, erring on the side of caution is a useful practice for anyone.听
You can鈥檛 control what your friend posts about herself on social media, nor should you try; that鈥檚 completely her business. But she should respect your business and your privacy, too鈥攁nd if she repeatedly disrespects your requests, even after you鈥檝e communicated them clearly, it鈥檚 a red flag. Unfortunately, you have to assume at this point that she鈥檚 not going to stop posting about you. So you have to decide, essentially, if her friendship is worth those violations, however big or small they may be. If you stay close with her, you will be posted about鈥攎aybe that's livable, but it could also feel gross if you鈥檝e explicitly asked her not to. If you鈥檙e still uncomfortable with that, then it might be time to distance yourself and invest your emotional energy听in听people who are truly respectful of your wishes. I鈥檇 recommend distancing yourself slowly and non-dramatically, though, rather than having听a big confrontation about it鈥攗nless you want your confrontation to become internet fodder, too.