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DEAR MISTER PRESIDENT: Congratulations on winning the election. I always knew you would win, and not that other guy. I told all my friends that. You can ask them. Jack Handey Offers to Be an Ambassador Mister President, let’s get down to business. One of your first jobs,…

The future is highly explosive

Don’t like to brag, but I have climbed Mount Everest 30 times. Everest The first time I climbed it, I was only ten years old. I was lucky to make it to the top. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was wearing only corduroys, a windbreaker, and…

Got the whole make-fitness-fun thing? Now let's talk about that mortal coil of yours. You think you know it, but you don't know Jack.

The respect of the men can be a cruel mistress and a harlot. But at other times it can be a nice mistress and a happy slut. You can't think about it too much.