In my early twenties, I worked briefly as a snorkel assistant on a tourist boat in Maui. I helped guests defog their mask and get their fins on and off, but mostly my job entailed making sure everyone had a good time.
On my first day, the captain gave me some sage advice: “Sometimes the best response to a guest is to simply smile and nod.” I did a lot of smiling and nodding that summer, to questions like “Has the ocean been sprayed for sharks?” and “Does the water go all the way around the island?” Maybe the sun was getting to people, I thought. Maybe it was vacation brain, which we all lapse into on occasion. I laughed these off amiably.
Fielding such nonsensical queries gave me a whole new appreciation for wilderness guides. We pepper them with endless curiosities, and they respond with infinite patience and kindness. They educate millions of people largely disconnected from nature and some who think caribou magically turn into elk at a certain elevation. (Apparently, this a very popular misconception.)
I asked my guide friends in the travel industry to tell me the funniest questions they’ve gotten from clients over the years. Here are some of the most hilarious.
Lessons in World Geography
“Can’t I just hop a bus from Quito to the Ҳá貹Dz? How long would that take?” —an American client on a Ҳá貹Dz Islands trip with Rebecca ϳԹ Travel. Staffer Katie Beckwith explained that the islands lie about 600 miles off the Ecuadorean coast, and that a plane was the best way to travel there from the nation’s landlocked capital city.
“What is the primary language taught in schools here?” —a guest on a Natural Habitat ϳԹs trip in Alaska. “In a way, this is a testament to how exotic and remote Alaska can feel at times—like another country,” the guide I spoke with told me. “However, they still teach English in schools here, just like they do in Minnesota.”
Coming to Terms with the Concept of Sea Level
“What elevation are we at?” —a client kayaking in Antarctica with G ϳԹs, in addition to a client standing on Pfeiffer Beach in Big Sur, California, during a Backroads trip. More than a few wilderness newbies are still sorting out what sea level means.
Swell Times and Teachings
“Do I need to know how to swim in order to snorkel?” —a traveler on an excursion specifically catered to snorkelers. Andy McComb, founder of Redline Rafting in Maui, said his team fields this question almost daily. Their response: “Well, it’s a great day for a boat ride.” I would have added gently that a snorkel is not considered a floatation device.
“Where are the waves? I paid for the waves!” —a Stoked Surf School client during a lesson on a sunny, wind-free, small-swell day off the South African coast. As surf-school owner Michelle Smith points out, any wave is good when you’re a beginner riding a nine-foot soft top. “I replied very diplomatically that I have no control over the weather, but I could assist in making the most of the conditions,” she said.
The Wilderness Really Is Wild
“Don’t be ridiculous! They wouldn’t put wild animals inside a national park.” —a client visiting Alaska’s Denali National Park and Preserve. Naturalist guide Brooke Edwards of Alaska Wildland ϳԹs was surprised to hear this comment while explaining to her group that food should not be left out in the open in Denali National Park because animals like bear and marmots would make a grab for it.
Natural Habitat ϳԹs specializes in eco-conscious wildlife trips. Over the years, company guides have learned how to wittingly respond to naive animal questions such as: “Polar bears look so cuddly. Don’t you think it’s OK to just pet them once, really quickly?” To which guides have replied: “Yes, you can pet them. Once. And you’ll never get to pet anything ever again.”
“Is there any way to call the butterflies closer to us?” To which guides have said. “I left my butterfly whistle at home—sorry!”
And some questions are best left unanswered, like these two:
“How many birds does a giraffe eat in a day?”
“At what age does a rhino turn into a hippo?”
There’s No Remote Control in Nature
“What time do they turn off the waterfalls?” —a frequent question fielded by the staff of Basecamp Ouray in Colorado when guiding summer hikes. Logan Tyler, founder of the outfit, said that after about 30 seconds of awkward silence, he usually just moves on, leaving the question lingering.
You Can’t Have Fries with That
“Do you think McDonald’s would pay to rebuild the Darwin Arch as fiberglass golden arches?” —a client in Ҳá貹Dz National Park on a trip with Latin Travel Collection. Company founder David Torres explained that the famous lava arch of Darwin, which collapsed due to erosion in 2021, is a 14-hour boat ride from the closest inhabited island, so McDonald’s would likely have no interest in such advertising in the middle of the Pacific.
“Can you helicopter in Thai food, burgers, and pizza?” —a Seven Summits client at Everest Base Camp. These guides have had similar requests before, and in this instance they actually coordinated delivery from Kathmandu.
The Wilderness Is Not a Movie Set Staged for Your Pleasure
“Who paints the aspens?” —a client on a snowmobile tour to Colorado’s Maroon Bells. Guide Sam Terlingo explained that the aspens’ “paint” is natural.
“You’ve gone to so much trouble lighting the trees for Christmas.” —a camper with Tribal ϳԹs, a tour operator specializing in remote adventures in the Philippines, pointing to the acacias along the shore. At this particular off-grid camp, those “lights” were courtesy of fireflies. Staffer Greg Hutchinson said his team just smiled and nodded.
“Is that island always there?” —a client on an Alaska Sea Kayakers trip to Prince William Sound. This was another question the guide just let go.
“Bringing all this sand and creating this lovely campsite is such a great idea. How did you do it? Must’ve taken a lot of effort.” —a guest at Aquaterra ϳԹs’ Camp Silver Sands site on the India’s Ganga River. Founder Vaibhav Kala jokingly replied to the client, it was even more difficult to build the roads to truck all of the sand there.
“Do you mind calling park management and asking if they can release more of the blue coloring in the water? My photos are just not blue enough!” —a guest in Croatia’s Plitvice Lakes National Park, known for its 16 mesmerizingly blue waterfalls . “After a few moments, when I realized that that his question was not a joke, I explained that the colors of the lakes are all natural and changed hue through the day, depending on the sun,” shared Tihomir Jambrovic, cofounder of the operator Terra Magica ϳԹs. “I’m still not convinced that he believed me completely.”
Finally, Keep Your Hands Off the Guides
“Is it true the guides aren’t allowed to sleep with guests?” —a woman on a Zion National Park trip with Black Sheep ϳԹs, Inc. The tour operator’s founder, Fred Ackerman, affirmed that this was indeed his company’s policy. To which the client replied: “That’s too bad. Your tips would be higher.”
Jen Murphy is ϳԹ Online’s travel advice columnist. She has the utmost admiration for wilderness guides and has to regularly bite her tongue when she hears clients ask ridiculous questions.