Welcome to听Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is听Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideim.com.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few years now and we鈥檝e done a fair bit of traveling, but we鈥檝e really only gone hiking together once. And that was for my birthday.听
I know that hiking and outdoor stuff isn鈥檛 really in her wheelhouse, but she鈥檚 told me multiple times she鈥檇 be fine with taking a camping trip as long as I鈥檓 the one who does the bulk of the planning, since it鈥檚 my area of expertise.
Considering everything that鈥檚 happened this year with COVID-19, quarantine, furloughs, and working from home,听I thought it might be nice to plan a long weekend for this spring, when hopefully (at least a few) things have changed for the better鈥攅ven if only the weather.
My only problem is I鈥檝e never planned a camping trip for one person who鈥檚 into roughing it and one person who鈥檚 not. I鈥檝e planned hikes that way, but I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 prepared for overnight. Do I bring more stuff for comfort or less so her back doesn鈥檛 die with weight? Do I pick a hike-in campsite that鈥檚 gorgeous or one that you can drive right up to?
She鈥檚 the planner between the two of us and it听usually feels like she鈥檚 got a sixth sense about what I might enjoy and where my preferences will wind up, so I鈥檇 really like to take that on and give her a really nice mini-vacation that takes that load off her shoulders for once.听
There are so many lovely things about this situation: how you鈥檙e excited to share something you love, how your girlfriend is open to experiencing it, and how thoughtful you鈥檙e being as you plan the best possible experience for her, both when it comes to the outdoors and to your typical roles in the relationship. There鈥檚 obviously a wide world of outdoor adventure that you can share with her, but your best bet鈥攁nd the best bet for most new outdoorspeople鈥攊s to start small, with lots of comfort and low expectations.
It seems like your questions are circling around the inherent tradeoffs in outdoor experiences鈥攍et鈥檚 call it the comfort/adventure spectrum. (This is an imperfect model, but bear with me.) The spectrum looks something like this:
COMFORT<鈥斺斺斺斺斺斺斺>ADVENTURE*
On one end, you have luxury eco-spas with catered multi-course meals and private masseuses. On the other end, you have climbing Everest barefoot. Most experiences fall somewhere in the middle; but in general, a more comfortable trip means you鈥檙e sacrificing adventure, and a more intense trip means giving up some comfort. For example, backpacking can bring you to rare and gorgeous places, but you鈥檒l probably eat powdered food and wear stinky clothes. Sleeping out in subzero temps isn鈥檛 as pleasant as sleeping in a bed, but it gives you the freedom to travel through deep wilderness in winter. Does that mean it鈥檚 worth it? There鈥檚 no right answer; every person can decide for themselves.
I think a lot of people鈥檚 resistance to camping鈥攁nd outdoors in general鈥攃omes from feeling forced into trading comfort for adventure faster than they would have chosen it otherwise, or feeling听pressured into experiences farther right on the spectrum than they would like. Plus, the first few nights outside can be intense in their own right. Sleeping is vulnerable, and nature can seem unpredictable and frightening, so there鈥檚 no need to add extra challenge right away.
Which is all to say that when it comes to your girlfriend, I鈥檇 recommend planning a cushy trip that still captures a taste of what you love about the outdoors. Ideally, this would be the most beautiful and private drive-up campsite that you can find.听
In this situation, car camping has a couple of听benefits over backpacking. You can bring a ton of creature comforts: an airbed, blankets and pillows, books, games, a cooler with her favorite food. Even though you鈥檙e packing more, car camping tends to be cheaper, because you can bring supplies you already own without worrying about weight. And if your girlfriend鈥檚 not used to sleeping outside, she might feel more relaxed near a car, knowing that she has the option to go 鈥渋nside鈥 a familiar space at any time.听
Even if you鈥檙e planning the whole trip鈥攁nd听you鈥檙e keeping the details a surprise鈥攜ou should still run a few general things past her. Does she want intense physical activity, or would she prefer taking it easy? Is there anything she鈥檚 nervous about (bugs, strangers, bathroom access) that you can accommodate? Is she looking to learn new skills, or would that feel like work? Is she open to turning off phones for the weekend?
With those details in mind, you can start planning the day鈥檚 (or days鈥) activities. This part should be a blast, and it鈥檒l depend entirely on the location you choose. Hiking is obviously a classic, but you could also try fishing, canoeing, beach combing, or just general exploring鈥攚hatever you think she鈥檒l be into. Be sure to pack a bag for both of you with sunscreen, extra clothing, and plenty of drinks and snacks.听
Don鈥檛 overlook tent time, either; there鈥檚 something wonderful about waking up in a sleeping bag with nowhere to go, or spending long evenings playing cards or reading books by the fire. Bring a lantern for mood lighting and talk long into the night, or bring wine and offer her a massage. (Some people like sex while camping, and some don鈥檛, so try not to have any expectations on that front; you can roll with however you鈥檙e both feeling.)听
It may be that if your girlfriend has fun, she鈥檒l be interested in trying a more intense outdoors experience in the future鈥攑ushing a bit farther from the Comfort听end of the spectrum. Or maybe she鈥檒l want to go car camping again, because car camping is great. It鈥檚 also possible that she鈥檒l appreciate the experience but want to stick with hotels in the future. Whatever her preferences, try not to take them personally. The important thing is that you鈥檙e sharing something you love with the person you love鈥攆inding an adventure that鈥檚 right for both of you, together.
*黑料吃瓜网 is subjective, a product of curiosity and exploration and the stories we tell ourselves about our experiences, and I firmly believe that an afternoon in a park can be just as much of an adventure as some grand and historic expedition. But for the sake of this model, let鈥檚 go with the stereotypical qualities of adventure to mean, roughly: more danger, more exclusivity, more isolation, etc.